i am exhausted just thinking about this week. I took two live calls in training today. Tomorrow and going forward I will be taking calls all day. My new job is at a credit union. I swore when I left my job if 11 years I would never go back to a call center. The pay was too good to turn down. Every indication thus far, is that a credit union is vastly different than a bank. Thursday after work, I must drive across town during traffic hour to a dinner for my niece. She is getting her B.A. Degree. I will be walking in alone. At a place I have never been. At a dinner/dance which will be full of people I don’t know. I want to cry just thinking about it. Maybe I can just walk in, find her and her mom, give them a kiss and leave. They know I don’t do people. So if I can’t stay, they will understand.
God blessed me today because the two calls I took were easy. I was so nervous during my last break (prior to taking my turn), that I almost slid into a panic attack. My mask remained intact. I also had to participate in an icebreaker, standing in a group of four in front of a room of about 20 people.
I survived because I wasn’t me. I did the task. I looked out (or appeared to look out) and did what I had to do. My group of four won the competition. I spoke, I made a joke, I smiled……but I don’t remember seeing any faces….because I WAS NOT THERE.
I am now waiting to fall asleep. I just reopened the wound on my stomach. One might think today was a triumph, but it does not feel like it. It was not me who triumphed. It was the mask.
Help!
Blood Sighs-A Self Injury(SI) Blog 
OMG I cannot believe how many hard things you are getting through. I am so proud of you because i understand the struggle to be normal, and act “normal”.
You seem so brave to me. You seem to disassociate when you have the mask on, which is familiar to me. I do the same thing when something is hard and I have so many doubts about myself.
How are you doing this week??
Hey girly!! I have been thinking of u. I have not done so well in my book. Everyone seems to think I can do the job but me. It is not being on the phones. I have done that at various financial institutions. It is that there is so much to learn and there are some things I just don’t grasp. I seem to be the only in class getting these twilight zone of weird circumstances. So many steps so many dif databases….. I get frustrated angry with myself. The mbr is fine and happy no matter how long they are on hold, but I know I took too long ….win the call is over I cry. Last week I cried yesterday I cried 3 times. Humiliating! Then they had me sit with someone and today I will be retrained on 3 dif scenarios. Fucking humiliating. Gotta run. Next time I need to catch up your status.
My status is frikken stressful. No job loss yet, but will layoffs will continue through Nov 1. I hate calling the crisis line when I’m in crisis because I feel like a frikken recording. Anyway, much doubt, many many suicidal thoughts and self harm getting me through the day. Therapy is working, but I feel worse, so maybe it’s a stage. After today, 7 long weeks of no therapy. I’m scared, I’m stressed, I’m conflicted. Also I learned Mindfulness is driving me nuts not being able to make it work or understand it completely. The therapist tried to put me in the hospital, we had an argument over it, and all I wanted to do is figure out why all my feelings are Amplified. I think because I’m fighting everything so hard. Fighting suicide, fighting self harm, and fighting hate of myself. I’m afraid of what will happen if i stop fighting. They always make it sound so Easy!! My husband always says “Let it Go” I’ve heard that so many times, I want to scream. I think without my blade, I would already be gone.
OK…don’t be discouraged about crying. Let your mind open up like a sponge and just take in the terms and the processes. Be more gentle with yourself (good advice but hard to do as I have witnessed) Let yourself have this learning curve, and each step you make progress you can be proud of yourself. It is not an unfamiliar situation as we have a Contact Center here, and I know how panicky the new people get. Many systems to know, and never ending details. Ask questions, until something makes sense. Everyone learns differently.
You are hanging in there, and it’s AMAZING. You ARE!!!!
Hope u r ok. Drop me s line when you can.