Easier to Breathe…Easier to Live

This is my second week out of training.  I have not cried this week at work thus far.  I wake up, get ready for work on auto pilot.  Fear sets in about 30 minutes after I wake up.  I will bypass the step by step. 

Skipping to the part where my head is spinning from too much thinking.  I can see the door leading to my cubicle and I wish I could make the hall l-o-n-g-e-r.  I can’t turn and run, so I take a deep breathe and walk to my cubicle. 

I am down to two wounds.  That is not enough.  I don’t mean not enough progress.  I mean not enough to help the chaos in my head.  I still have my cuticles to dig into.  A small sense of satisfaction. I am sure I am not the only one who yearns for a switch.  A switch we could click to slow things down.  To make it easier to breathe….easier to live.  I joke about Vodka being my switch.  I know better of course, but what is that horrid quote people say all the time? “It is what it is.”  I HATE that fucking quote. An old supervisor of mine loved to say that.  A supervisor at my next job said it.  Just last week my supervisor at my new job said it.  I was thinking WTF.  Did they all attend the same management seminar??  Then low and behold,  I turned on the TV and heard those words again.  Maybe I will write those words on a piece of paper with a marker and tape it to my Vodka bottle.

I have written a couple of poems. I have glanced at my DBT book on the couch.  Mind you, not touching it, not reading it.  The glance was just quick enough to instill guilt. I hear my psychologist’s voice in my head.  I see his smile as I come up with new words and ways to avoid saying something positive about myself.  I love to make plays on words.  I give myself a verbally brilliant backhanded compliment.  He shakes his head and smiles.  Then I say “that was a good one huh?”

Be WeLL