I am 54 today.  I can’t believe it!! I usually pretend be joyous on my birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas,… so as not to be Debbie Downer for those around me.  For some strange reason, I woke up feeling good today.

When I woke up, my noise said, ” Don’t look in the mirror today.”I actually stayed in bed for half an hour thinking I can’t go potty and not look in the mirror. Well, I went to potty and I did look in the mirror.  Guess what came next? I took two selfies. Omg really? Me? I don’t know wtf is going on.? I still feel good.? Who am I…

I Slept!!

Through three replays of Walking Dead and Talking Dead )-: I work half day today. I am not even there yet and can’t wait to get the F out of there. 

There has been a lot going on lately.  I mean like piling on and on.  Before I could recover from one ….here comes the next.  Like things are just waiting in line,” me next, my turn, let’s jump up and down on Cindy’s back until she breaks!!”

I broke Thursday.  I was crying at work.  Had to go to my boss crying, hyperventilating, humiliating myself ….sigh 

I just want to go back to bed and never get up.

Have You Ever

Have you ever been  so on the edge that you couldn’t sleep for two days?  No combination of pain meds, Xanax, or exhaustion, would allow you to sleep?  Really? Mental and emotional shit is stronger than Tylenol with Codiene 3? 

It is true.  I went two days with barely any sleep. My mind would not stop!!!! Replaying the same old, decades old tapes 💀

I fell asleep on The Walking Dead so now I have to stay up unti midnight yo watch the replay.

Time for a drink and a fried bologna sandwich…. Old school sandwich kinda like cassettes or albums or encyclopedias….

Random thought… One of the best lines tv shows or movies….

Walking Dead… Abraham, “Loose ends make my ass itch!”


I love horror movies.  I love sick and twisted movies, but I do have limits.  I am not totally without class.  You see I don’t like what I call “chop chop films,” like Friday the 13th parts 2 through eternity, ( the first one wAs GrEaT.  The rest were trash…. Blood for the sake of blood.  The first Saw was great….. The rest trash.  “Chained,” with D’Onifrio….brilliant.  How he captured the sickness in him that he could not escape and the generational sickness that slowly came to light.  These are the things that stop the noise in my head. The adrenaline gets to pumping and I forget the shit in my head that Never goes away.  And no, I do not want to be a deranged killer or cannibal like on Wrong Way or the Human Centipede.”

I can’t explain it.  Maybe a shrink out there can. These movies and shows ….Psycho, Bates Motel, Texas Chainsaw Massacres, Wrong Way, Walking Dead, Picture Mommy Dead, and oh yeah…..What Ever Happened to Baby Jane where Bette Davis serves here bedridden, wheelchair bound sister Joan Crawford (by the way these a ctresses hated eachother with a passion in real life,) dead rat on fine china with all of the appropriate sides…..How cool it must have been to act bat shit crazy and emotionally abuse someone on camera that you hated in real life.

It relieves my noise.  It temporarily takes away the urge to self Injur. It makes me feel less crazy.  It makes me feel envious, that they are so far gone that they no longer know right from wrong…..is that not a sort of freedom from their chains?  

Although for the characters in the films playing the victims…..it sucks to be them. You are welcome to your opinions about this post and why these things quell my noise.  Different things work for different people.  As long as I still know write from wrong and am not stabbing people in showers or feeding them broken glass, or crushing their feet and legs with a sledge  hammer for real…….whatever works.


My head is going to explode. One things happen another after another and now I can’t fucking sleep. With my normal meds and the pain meds from the accident, I can’t fucking sleep! I have had 8 hours sleep in the last two days!! My head is full of thoughts,,fear, blame…. and I had no idea adrenaline could have this effect over medication.  I need help!


So I have been in robot mode for awhile.  Maybe I am stuck.  I still deal with the “what if,” conversations.  I find myself talking to myself when I get home from work.  It is a way of talking back to the thoughts that filled my head throughout the day.  I imagine those thoughts don’t know what the hell is going on…”what the hell is up?  She is not crumbling as easy as she used to.” I have come to the conclusion that I may not ever be able to stop self injuring.  It is not as bad as it used to be.  I always keep two small wounds, do the cuticle thing, and occasionally tear off my baby toenail. 

It is strange because it is not like wearing my mask pretending to be normal.  It is more like I am not here at all.  Anyway, whether it is temporary or a new part of my circle…I am just riding along.