i am cooking spaghetti. Cooking is something that calms me. I am also watching one of the Star Trek movies….in honor of Leonard Nimoy. He was so much more than Spock. Google him, if you are familiar with the REAL Star Trek. Anyway, I need to get back in the saddle again. I am symbolically on crutches, but once strapped onto the saddle, I will ride again! I am finally going to visit the blog I was invited to. I am going to do some reading in my DBT teen book….it goes straight to the nitty gritty sans psycho babble.
This is my third week in the mental dungeon. I haven’t blogged in forever. I haven’t written poetry. I haven’t visited the blog I says I would visit. I haven’t forgotten. I will visit, as I take invites quite seriously.
It is just that I feel like I am barely functioning. ALL of my energy has been exerted in trying to keep my job. I have a LEGTIMATE fear of losing it. This time it is not my negativity or doomsday thoughts.
I really cannot go into further detail at this time. Robot mode has returned and I am in the brink of a circuit overload. Plus, due to issues on my full time job, I have not worked many hours at my part time job. Therefore I have not been able to go to therapy every week for financial reasons.
The rest of the “update,” he said is just blah blah blah. Same as the past. My circle of life. Fighting to breathe, function.
I have made tremendous strides since my last shut down. I will not let this recent trip to Death Valley negate that….
Extremely random thought….. I have been craving bacon for two days
That is right. I went to a concert with my daughter. It was a small venue and I had to stand 4 1/2 hours, which my back did not like. I was in pain, but I had a good time!! We went to Austin to see Marc Broussard. Also, I think I got hit on by a chic. Well I didn’t view it as being hit on at the time, but everyone I have told about it says that was the case.
This woman came up to me and said I had the best boobs in the house. I just said ummm thanks? I just thought she was trying to make an old fat lady feel good, but she kept saying it and telling me that she just wanted to lay her head on them.
ANYWAY….. It was a GIANT step for mankind…..or CINDYKIND!! I endured a crowd of people and I even forgot about the crowd and started dancing when Marc Broussard sang an Al Green song!!!!! I danced with the chic that liked my boobs haha!!
Who Am I?
I hope the holidays went well. I have heard that for some, the holidays are the worst time of year. I think it was said to be that way for the depressed or those in mourning.
I usually am able to muster enough energy to wear my “I am pretending to be okay for a couple of hours mask.”
This year, I didn’t have to wear my mask. I was deep in thought. Pensive. Yet I did not drown. I was able to slow down enough to not get taken away by anxiety!!
So, I decided to stop using the word “baby” in front of the word steps. My triumphs are not baby steps. They are Steps. The word baby diminishes each triumph. I would love to take credit for that idea, but it was actually my sister in law who told me to stop saying that.
Now I must practice staying in the moment. Not predicting doom and gloom. Not beating myself up for the past. These mountains seem insurmountable.
There was another robbery at gunpoint at my apartment complex. I stayed home from work yesterday, afraid to go out. I cried and trembled as i did housework to try and keep busy. I tried to dig into an old nearly healed wound on my leg. It didn’t work. I needed something sharp, and I just refused to use anything more than my nails.
Be WeLL Peeps. When I take a piece of paper, drawn a line down the center, write the goods and the negs… I am doing pretty damn good. Try it.
Acknowledge your feelings – good and bad….practice feeling without drowning.
DBT for teens is a good book. You don’t have to be a teen to benefit. For me it works because I have been stuck for 40 years. AND it does not use those psycho-babble words.
I love you all!
Consider sharing your thoughts. Words are powerful. Good or bad, there are lessons to be learned!!
It’s Xmas eve day and I feel good!! I am getting off work at 1:00. I am going home to do some housework and cook. One of my fav songs is playing right now……Everytime you go away you take a piece of me with you…..
This evening my daughter and grandoggie are coming by to exchange gifts. In the morning, I will drop gifts off to my dad and off to Austin.
Life feels good right now. I am going to bathe in these feelings, as they are hard to come by for me!!!
Ok so I decided to go to dinner with my co-workers as a Christmas thingy. To ease the awkwardness, my daughter agreed to meet me. Why awkward?
1. There are only six of us and I only speak to one person.
2. The 6th person just started yesterday. I do deserve credit for going up and introducing myself to her.
3. I NEVER go to some place new. Same places, park on the same row, take the same aisles in the grocery store.
For those of you who have followed the blog from the beginning, you know this is super major. I don’t like being around people. There was a time I was on short term disability from my job because I could not go outside of my apartment. When I went to work I would only leave my cubicle to use the restroom. I would get to work an hour early to park where I could view the entrance. I would then jump out of my car and rush into the building if I could make it through the doors alone. I would only take my trash out at so no one would see me.
I could go on and on…so anyway my point is this….even though the need to be numb has returned. Even though I long to be invisible. Even though I sometimes feel I have left my body and am watching myself do things…… I still have some triumphs under my belt.
I like to think of it as a revolving door.
Before I go (this is totally random) what the fuck is up with Sony?? I won’t call them names without knowing the full story…..I am just saying.