Chingao

So I got to my new job early in an effort to beat the traffic.  I thought I would sit in the car and pay some bills.  Only to discover the last paycheck from my prior job is less than expected. 200.00 less!! Now what do I do? 

I called HR and left mssg. 

It is always something. I picked my cuticles raw last night.  There was no reason in particular.  I think it was just to relax.

Be WeLL

24 Hours

In 24 hours I will be sitting in traffic, on my way to orientation and my first day of training.  I don’t much like being around alot of people, but what else can I do.  Move to the mountains and become a hermit?  It will be okay.  Gone are the days of being afraid to leave my apartment. 

I have been toying with ideas of how to survive two months without therapy.  Faithfully read my DBT book, remind myself “what would Dr. O say?” My doc, not that friggin Dr. Oz. I used to view reading the DBT book as homework.  He told me to think of it as a fire drill when you were a kid in school.  You don’t wait until a fire and say like “what do I do?” He said read it over and over until the skills that work for me become second nature.  He is really great!! I am thankful to one of the past readers of this blog who shared DBT with me and how it helped her!!

I have allowed one of my reopened wounds to heal. Four more to go. For the last 24 hours my mind has been swimming and inundated with What If Part Deux http://wp.me/p1d0GR-JR via @wordpressdotcomracing thoughts of…..you gotta lose weight you gotta stop drinking you gotta stop wasting time worrying about what other people think you gotta go for walks nope can’t go for walks I don’t like people looking at me you are on a tightrope can’t get back into nicking your skin pulling at it and being proud and ashamed as the wound gets bigger and bigger bleeds more and more see even thinking about it gives you a rush you have come so far but you are still fat…………..

I left the commas and periods out on purpose.  Similar rants like that are what I call my noise. It is there just about always, unless I am drinking, watching tv, or asleep. 

Okay so now for the positive:

Noise is still there …probably always will be.  I turn 54 this year…BUT THE NOISE is a WHISPER!! No longer so loud that I can barely hear people speak to me.

I start a new job tomorrow!

I am spending a 3 day weekend with my boyfriend. We went out to dinner last night and I felt comfortable ( the restaurant was half empty.)

*******Disclaimer******

The following is one of those fake it til you make it statements…..but for some reason I feel like typing…….drumroll please

YOU ARE AWESOME!!

Be WeLL

Next to the Last

Today was my next to the last day at my dream job that lets you make your own hours, no phone work, but also doesn’t pay enough to live on.

Once you reach the level of production they want you to be at, it’s not so bad……if u ignore the extreme micro- managing.  As long as you work 8 hrs, they basically let you come in when you wish. I will Definitely miss that part.

My new job starts next week.  Call center at a credit union.  Paying more than the job I left a year ago. More than I have ever made actually, except for when I lived in L.A.. I am trying to be positive and not set such extreme divine negative expectations.

I am watching one of those violent sick movies on Netflix.  When people ask me, “what do you get out of horror films or chop chop films such as Saw, Hell Raiser, Hostel, or Human Centipede?” I have to say Hell if I know.  I just say “What a Rush!!!!”  If I may say in my defense, I do have to turn away or close my eyes on some parts…especially on Human Centipede and Saw. So I guess I am not that demented.

If you lean towards the dark, quirky movies try “May” with Jeremy Sisto….seen it 5 

Other good twisted movies on Nerflix are:

Perfect Host

Hunger

Vile*warning….”Saw” twisted

Breaking the girls

Bates Motel

Columbus Circle

Meeting Evil

The killer Inside Me

Yeah yeah I know this has nothing to do with self injury, depression, or anxiety…but No one I know likes this stuff so who do I have to share it with?

I wish my inspiration for writing poetry would return. I have thrown some stuff together here and there, but I feel they are low on quality. Whether that is real, my noise, or just a matter of taste I don’t know. Between judging my feelings, thoughts, and self-valudation, I sometimes feel like I don’t know what is real. 

Laterz

P.S.

Is this a real post? šŸ˜³

Five Days

Five days until my new job starts. Still have five wounds. 

My noise tells me they are glad to see me go on my current job. Why should I care? Because I always worry about what people think of me.  When I haven’t a clue, I make up negative scenarios. Some form of self preservation I imagine.

Did I mention I am moving in with my daughter in August? It is supposed to be temporary…6 months…it will be a little cramped. It will help me get back on my feet financially. I would love to give all my furniture to the Salvation Army and buy all new stuff when I move. Nice dream, but probably not the best thing to do. She has stopped commenting on my self medication vice and my self injury.  I know she will continue to try to get me to go on walks with her. I know at some point we will annoy the hell out of each other. I won’t be living off of her. I will pay 300.00 in rent and she hasn’t really mentioned splitting the other bills. She eats Paleo (has lost 70 lbs) so I know I will be buying some of my own groceries. Paleo is STRICTER than a no carb diet.  It is no carb AND nothing processed.

So, I have re-opened my wounds, filled you in on the latest, and will let you know how successful my first day of training goes….as far as the mask and armor goes.  

Be WeLL