I was thinking of the type of movies I like. I mean there are like and there are obsessed with. Yeah I like horror and psychological thrillers. It is kind of like “honor among theives.” There is the shit that is sick for the sake of being sick, (Saw, Human Centipede), and then there is sick that hypnotizes you. True acting where you look into the actor’s eyes, look at his mannerisms and wonder how the fuck did they reach that plateau? It is a different, more violent depraved sickness, but I KNOW him!! Not the sick twisted character, but the thing in that actor they allowed him to “go there” so fucking effectively.
One master if not THE master of this is Vincent D’Onofrio. If you can tolerate it, watch “Caged.” He is a sick fuck, but there are moments when he thinks of his childhood; when he bangs the steering wheel and kicks in the cab. It makes you think, “he could have been saved.” If someone saw. If he let someone see. What is more of a trip is that this was directed by a woman. Another movie that I saw, felt the sickness in the character….Boxing Helena. An oldie but goodie sick film. It may have been the same female director. “May,” is another. You can call them B movies or trashier than that, but try to see my point. It is in the eyes of the characters. The eyes of the stars….Vincent D’Onofrio, Julian Sands, Amanda Bettis. How the fuck did they go there. They have a sickness in them. Like me, worse than me. Who cares…there is something I recognize deep in their eyes. Even Halle. Not to say she can’t act, but why is she so good at playing disturbed….she knows something …has lived something.
You may think this post is full of shit. Garbage. Cindy is drunk. I am not. Maybe it is a sign of losing it….who knows. It is something in my gut. Our lives are/were different. Whatever I see, recognize are in the eyes of the famous, average Joes, people living, people who set themselves free….a recognition I have tried to put into words. Here is my list of some people I recognize …present and past tense. It is like if we met at the right time, we could sit in some cheap diner and talk for hours. Not because they were /are famous, but because there is something we recognize in eachother:
P. S. Hoffman
My former co-worker
Some pretty girl we have admired from afar
Some hunk who wouldn’t give us the time of day
One of the cashiers at my grocery store
There are others. Fuck…,I am 53. They are everywhere. If you look hard enough, for a split second…..you see through eschother’s masks. Actors, singers, they just get paid the big bucks and others of us don’t. Making a shitload of money does not make the struggle easier.
We know who we are. Don’t you ever see someone who knows, lives, shares the mask and just want to grab them and hug them? If we weren’t so fucking worried about what people think of us….weren’t so fucking worried about our masks, we could be there for eachother. In between therapy sessions or cocktails LoL.