As soon as I open my eyes, the pain is there. Lurking, waiting for my alarm to go off.  I am tumbling down the hill…again.  I must say I had a good run of normalcy.  So long that I thought I was cured.  I am being facetious.  I have been in therapy long enough to know there is no cure.  

It is about mastering coping skills.  It always there though.  Just beneath the surface.  Scratching and clawing to get out.  The noise in my head.

Supposed to Be

Is this how life

Is supposed to be

I was 54 two weeks ago

For the last 11 days

I have been 24

How many times am I

To start over again

Is this how life

Is supposed to be

What is the lesson

I don’t see it Lord

Nothing you have shown me

Makes me want to

Keep living

In all honesty

I feel I have 

Never lived

Juxtaposed Darkness…Poems of Depression and Self-Injury…Available on Amazon

Keep your judgements to your fucking self.  Until you have walked in my shoes, swam in my head, you don’t know what it’s like to breathe through my lungs.  If you can’t be a shoulder, just move on…

And to think…

The last two times I saw my beloved psychologist,  things were so well.  I mean there was stuff going on, but I was handling it like a normal person. I was thinking…..Eureka I am cured!! What a dumb b***ch.  Umm… You have never liked yourself, you have been SI for 5 decades and just because you can’t think of what to talk about in therapy…you are cured?

I miss my dad.  Mom died when I was 14.  Dad died this past 12/3/15.  My brother and I have barely talked.

I am sinking in quicksand yet again. For the most part, I have dealt with life fairly well for the last three months.  It feels like I have a 3 month expiration date.  Like some items you buy at the grocery store….best used by such and such date.

I am so tired.

Well It Happened

I cried at work.  How humiliating.  I went to bed as soon as I got home at 5:30.  My daughter woke me up at 8:45 because I had marinated done steaks for dinner and I had homework to do.

As a result of mega frustration and humiliation, I packed up my shit in case I decide not to show up Monday.  The older I get,  the more anxiety effects my life.  I think I may have mentioned…? WTF do I do?  I can go from job to job and if I get overwhelmed from stress and can’t cope, it doesn’t matter where I work. 

I have been drinking since I got home.  Then since I woke up.  While waiting to fall asleep around 5:00,  I “did things” to my right foot so I am limping from the pain.  I am supposed to drive to Austin in the morning to see my boyfriend.

I don’t know what tinier had in store.  I don’t know what Monday has in store.

Four Hours

I woke up an hour ago.  Obviously I am still awake.  I have to wake up in four hours to get ready for work.

For this last hour I have been thinking about this new job while simultaneously digging into open

I need my beloved psychologist, but I fm just a temp still in training.  If I miss a day, they said don’t bother coming back.  I can hear my daughter’s voice asking me as she has twice before, ” so how long are you going to continue to put everything else before your mental health?”

It is not that simple.  It never is right?  I have bills to pay and right now I am helping her out.  Yes, there are many less stressful jobs.  Who can live on 10.00 per hour?  Certainly not I…

My leg hurts…