My Daughter

I only have to make it pass 11/21.  My probation will be over on my new job.  My daughter is my beneficiary.  She needs the money.  My life fuck ups have effected her, despite My best efforts and sacrifices.  

I am so ashamed that she is struggling due to my emotional and financial mistakes.  It’s hard to look her in the eyes.  It’s hard to look in the mirror.

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What is the worst 

What is the worst? Knowing that a loved one is dying and may have days left, (my uncle) or a sudden death like my father dying in a rollover truck accident.  Both are surreal.  So I am awake, digging into my skin, and drinking; knowing full well that I must get up in 2 hrs and 15 minutes to get ready for work.

Update soon to come…

My Old Friend

My old friend 

Blood

Is back

Foolish of me

You’re

Not gone

Foolish of me

Thought

You Dead

Caked up blood

Sticky 

Open wounds 

Lie in wait 

Devil

Not gone

Each wound deeper

Than 

Times before

Rob me of

Joy

Like before 

Pretend to know

Joy 

Like before

2/24/17

The Day I finished Vocational School

14 months after the death of my father

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Juxtaposed Darkness…Poems of Depression and Self-Injury…Available on Amazon

cindydarkheartsworld.homestead.com

Lurking

As soon as I open my eyes, the pain is there. Lurking, waiting for my alarm to go off.  I am tumbling down the hill…again.  I must say I had a good run of normalcy.  So long that I thought I was cured.  I am being facetious.  I have been in therapy long enough to know there is no cure.  

It is about mastering coping skills.  It always there though.  Just beneath the surface.  Scratching and clawing to get out.  The noise in my head.

Supposed to Be

Is this how life

Is supposed to be

I was 54 two weeks ago

For the last 11 days

I have been 24

How many times am I

To start over again

Is this how life

Is supposed to be

What is the lesson

I don’t see it Lord

Nothing you have shown me

Makes me want to

Keep living

In all honesty

I feel I have 

Never lived
9/8/16

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Juxtaposed Darkness…Poems of Depression and Self-Injury…Available on Amazon

cindydarkheartsworld.homestead.com

Keep your judgements to your fucking self.  Until you have walked in my shoes, swam in my head, you don’t know what it’s like to breathe through my lungs.  If you can’t be a shoulder, just move on…

And to think…

The last two times I saw my beloved psychologist,  things were so well.  I mean there was stuff going on, but I was handling it like a normal person. I was thinking…..Eureka I am cured!! What a dumb b***ch.  Umm… You have never liked yourself, you have been SI for 5 decades and just because you can’t think of what to talk about in therapy…you are cured?

I miss my dad.  Mom died when I was 14.  Dad died this past 12/3/15.  My brother and I have barely talked.

I am sinking in quicksand yet again. For the most part, I have dealt with life fairly well for the last three months.  It feels like I have a 3 month expiration date.  Like some items you buy at the grocery store….best used by such and such date.

I am so tired.