And to think…

The last two times I saw my beloved psychologist,  things were so well.  I mean there was stuff going on, but I was handling it like a normal person. I was thinking…..Eureka I am cured!! What a dumb b***ch.  Umm… You have never liked yourself, you have been SI for 5 decades and just because you can’t think of what to talk about in therapy…you are cured?

I miss my dad.  Mom died when I was 14.  Dad died this past 12/3/15.  My brother and I have barely talked.

I am sinking in quicksand yet again. For the most part, I have dealt with life fairly well for the last three months.  It feels like I have a 3 month expiration date.  Like some items you buy at the grocery store….best used by such and such date.

I am so tired.

Well It Happened

I cried at work.  How humiliating.  I went to bed as soon as I got home at 5:30.  My daughter woke me up at 8:45 because I had marinated done steaks for dinner and I had homework to do.

As a result of mega frustration and humiliation, I packed up my shit in case I decide not to show up Monday.  The older I get,  the more anxiety effects my life.  I think I may have mentioned…? WTF do I do?  I can go from job to job and if I get overwhelmed from stress and can’t cope, it doesn’t matter where I work. 

I have been drinking since I got home.  Then since I woke up.  While waiting to fall asleep around 5:00,  I “did things” to my right foot so I am limping from the pain.  I am supposed to drive to Austin in the morning to see my boyfriend.

I don’t know what tinier had in store.  I don’t know what Monday has in store.

Four Hours

I woke up an hour ago.  Obviously I am still awake.  I have to wake up in four hours to get ready for work.

For this last hour I have been thinking about this new job while simultaneously digging into open

I need my beloved psychologist, but I fm just a temp still in training.  If I miss a day, they said don’t bother coming back.  I can hear my daughter’s voice asking me as she has twice before, ” so how long are you going to continue to put everything else before your mental health?”

It is not that simple.  It never is right?  I have bills to pay and right now I am helping her out.  Yes, there are many less stressful jobs.  Who can live on 10.00 per hour?  Certainly not I…

My leg hurts… 

Lord Help me Makeit Through Today

This new job is freaking me out.  Don’t you hate the learning curve of a new job?  It is enough to make me walk out and go back to banking.  Ugh!  Banking sucks, but at least I have done it for 12 years and u know it.  It is hard to learn a new job at the age of 54.

This is my second day out of training.  We have one week ojt and we are supposed to work out the kinks during this week.  Well if my nauseous stomach and new cuts in my body have anything to do with it, I don’t know if I will make it through this week.  I almost cried yesterday…

Sabotage 

Wasn’t that the name of an Alfred Hitchcock movie?  I am a horror psychological thriller buff.  Oh yeah…the  post.  Do you ever feel like something inside of you is sabotaging you?  I just posted something positive yesterday and today it took everything in me not to cry in class.  Uh oh she is feeling strong.  Uh oh she is feeling good.  Bring in the bull dozers.  By the time I left training today at 4:30, I was convinced I could not do the job.

I am so tired…