Anger, Fear, SI, and Hiding

i have said this before. Whatever the emotion of the moment, it is so magnified I can barely stand it!!

Anger…..my psychologist says to write down the things that are enraging me.  Then put a check next to the the things I can change.  I can’t change shit….is that the point? Was that supposed to make me feel better. Shit in my head, shit on the news umm related to the police.

Anyway I feel like I am having palpitations. A panic attack is coming on.  Perfect timing eh? I am about to walk into work. All my wounds had healed. I have a new one. It always seems like I need at least one.

Wow

i moved in with my daughter.  Because I take the back roads to avoid as much traffic as possibles. It is now a half hour commute. 

I still have those instances when I feel like a failure for having to move in with my daughter.  I will get back on my feet financially and be back on my own again.

The reason for the wow?  I have been leaving early for work since I don’t know what the traffic will do. Today was my fourth time eating at Denny’s ALONE. I don’t know if this is a permanent win or a temporary one. When I am there and when I have to go outside to walk my daughter’s dog…. I just think to myself…. There is so much shit swirling in my head all day I just don’t have room in my head to worry about what some stranger driving by thinks.

I still try to have my breaks and lunches alone at work. I still yearn to stay indoors and never leave the apartment.  I have resumed taking my Xanax in an effort to numb myself at work. 

Gotta go. Robot mode is calling