Drink

I drink with half a seroquel. I have done it for so long that instead of making sleep all night like I used to…. I sleep three hours.  I drink with a XanAx when I want to take  a “nap.”  Even an old friend told me, “never drink with Xanax, you may not wake up.” I have been doing so for over a year and I am still here. I am thinking this is where some type of legal disclosure should be inserted. I think when u started this blog years ago, I put somewhere, “warning this sight may be triggering.”

YES I am tired.  Tired does not begin to describe what it takes to get through every day.  I don’t think I want to die.  I just want to stop thinking. Stop pretending.  So it would appear that I have made great strides over the last year. 

That is bullshit.  I read my DBT workbook. I absorb what it says.  It makes sense.  I did not intend to pretend.  I really felt like I was getting better.  I believed I was better. I now believe one can dissociate to the point where you believe your own lies.  This is not one of those guilt yourself into misery things. It is a twisted way of my essence forcing me to survive. 

Can my essence teach me how to feel peace.  Real peace.  Not temporary vodka, rum, and pill laced peace.  Let me see…. I can lay in bed and play with my daughters dog all day.  I can cook all day.  I can lay in my boyfriends arms all day. I can move in with my psychologist all day.  Ummm I don’t think he and his wife would go for that …. Besides the fact that he would lose his license lol. 

One of life’s jokes.  I now have insurance on my new job. Yet I have no money to pay for therapy.

My head hurts from thinking.  My body aches from exhaustion.  Time for another drink. Another nap. 

I will never be better.  I will just go through various levels of coping.