I am so tired…On the Rocks Please aka Heavy on the Vodka light in the Juice

My two week training for my second job was grueling and over. The training itself was not difficult . I have worked there thrice before. ” Thrice” I like that word. It was training until 11 and getting up at 5:00 that fucked me up. The inQubator trainer pissed me off Friday night. It was the last night of training and as it turns out, she is going to be my perm sup so I have to get over it. Besides, everything seems to piss me off nowadays. I know it is unhealthy and detrimental to my mental health, but I was much less angry when I self injured. My body clock is fucked and will continue to be since tomorrow night I work 6p-10 then 3a-5a and 6:45-3:15. Ahh…the things we do for money. At least it is legal and I don’t think there is a market for 52 year old overweight hookers lol.
I am on the last 3 episodes of the 3 seasons of Alfred Hitchcock that I use to fall asleep to.
What is that quote some idiot said in regards to sleep? Something like ” I will sleep when I die.” Right now I am in the ” money money money money,” mode. An old Ojays song.
I want to pay off my bills and move to Austin, or make it so that my boyfriend can retire early and move here.
I am so tired.
I am so tired.
I am so tired.
I don’t mean physically.

Knock me Over with a Feather

Well knock me over with a feather. Driving, common courtesies, customer service, children with manners….I am friggin Shocked when people do what they are supposed to do. Somewhere in between “I don’t give a fuck about anyone else and my obsessive need to do what I think is expected of me…..is the way things used to be. For example, I always tell me daughter when I took drivers ed in 1978… Our instructor taught us ” if you have to make someone slow down to make your turn, then wait for them to pass. My daughter was taught, ” I have time to make that turn-who cares if they have to slow down.” Thus 3 accidents within a year which sent my insurance rate straight into the fucking atmosphere. I told her that driving school didn’t teach her a fucking thing and I should get a refund!!! It may be a stretch, but it’s all about people feeling entitled. I taught her to wave a thanks when driving gives her the right of way ( which usually is hers anyway,but maybe they will pay it forward.)
And another thing while I am on a rant! Why does my auto complete return weird things ? For example I typed, “are you coming”with a typo- and it returned “Arab’ I typed some other typo and it returned Isis. God I wish I could remember the typo. But I am very suspicious of Apple.
A suspicious thing wouldn’t you say ?
Should I add paranoid or conspiracy theorist to my list of issues?

Refresher/Reality Check Continued

My daughter is working towards the 3000 intern hours required to be a therapist. They are taught not to practice on or treat family members. She read the post over the weekend, when my mindset was in the gutter.
When she asked if I wanted to talk, it was as a loving daughter not as a guinea pig….
She asked me what helps quell my noise. I began to recite coping skills from the DBT book and from my beloved psychologist. She said no. “One of your issues is that you said it is exhausting analyzing and matching a particular coping skill with the emotion of the moment. I want to know what helps You… not parroting what you have been taught.”
I answered drinking,writing poetry, and blogging. Then I immediately went on to detract from one of the things I just stated. I said, ” I am losing readers of my blog because it is too negative.”
(No more quotation marks)
She said so what! You said blogging helps YOU. If it helps someone else great if they don’t like it so what. She said that I am getting better in a lot of ways and my noise doesn’t like it. She said there are no magic words that will make you like yourself mom, but it is not true that you hate yourself ALL THE TIME.
The struggles scream at you and the triumphs are whispers. You are sabotaging yourself without realizing it. You are used to feeling miserable and when you laugh or have a good day, it feels foreign to you.
She then asked Do you really feel that you can only find peace through death? My answer…..EVERYTHING
is so exhausting. The simplest task brings judgement and noise. I am just so so tired. Then I said, but I won’t kill myself. Cindy always does what she thinks is expected of her. So I have to keep going. But I do know the desperation of mental pain and I am kind of jealous of those that do end it. They are not cowards. They were brave everyday of their lives. Everyday that they struggled to function or put on their mask.”
Don’t comment so flippantly, about things you know nothing about. Unless you hear the noise in your head and live with what I have lived with for 38 years, you can’t even begin to walk in my shoes. Why don’t you try shutting the fuck up and truly LISTEN to the pain of your loved ones who suffer. Who needs your judgement when most likely they are judging themselves more harshly than you.
Okay so the bottom line and end of our discussion was….. this may be something I will have to deal with daily…even several times a day. Some skirmishes I will win and some I will lose…and that is just the way it is for me…it is tiring. Despite that, I am still improving -even I don’t give the triumphs the equality they deserve.
Whew! Long ass post! My fingers ache as this was done on my phone….uh oh …there was a laugh somewhere in there.
Be Well

Refresher Course and Reality Check

I ALWAYS seem to think in absolutes. (Note the word always as an example.

I feel like people, women in particular, are always judging me. For example in an elevator, I try to hide my feet because women ALWAYS look at your feet. When a lady in the elevator once said “hey we have on the same shoes” I smiled, but the noise in my head jabbed me in the side….”see I told you women always look at your feet. The next day while in line at the cafeteria, a lady asked where I got my shoes because she can only wear flats and has a hard time finding flats to wear to work. I told her, but again…..see I told you ….
So I live by these rules, thoughts, criticisms, that to me are absolutes. When something happens that falls into this world or walls I have created for myself, that proves I am right and I withdraw even further. Will have to continue this later….my lunch break is over

When Does it End…Enjoying Little Triumphs

The last few days have been fueled by fatigue and anger. The root of the anger did not matter. I was just plain angry. Easily enraged. I could make up a mask of what is happening in Ferguson, Mo…. I could make up a mask of things going on at the day job, things happening during training for the second job, not knowing what to do with myself since I don’t self injure on a nightly basis anymore,…. The point is-name a topic, pick a topic, and I can become enraged.
I want to celebrate my triumphs. I want to give them their due. In actuality I am doing what I have always done. Switching out issues. One gets better another gets worse.
I am so so tired. When does it end?

Yesterday’s Post

I do not retract or regret anything I posted yesterday. Your feelings are your own to share or keep sacred. One of my masks is that of a responsible adult. I get that! I can acknowledge it is not a mask 100% of the time. But I cannot and will not deny that I understand desperation. Physically and mentally. I have gone hungry, I have spent days unable to go outside, I have prayed for The Lord to let me go. In fact, I was afraid when my daughter was grown and self sufficient. Would I then find it easier to have peace. Crime is everywhere but I don’t live in the safest of neighborhoods…. Yet I won’t get a gun. I am afraid of them. Because I don’t trust myself.
All of these feelings do nothing to impede my progress. They do serve as a reminder that deep down I am envious of those who have moved on.
I am not praising or condoning, but just as we yearn to be free of our mental illness…(can only speak for myself) there is a yearning to not pretend, to not have to fight every fucking day . I can throw myself into the positive , I can recite numerous coping skills, but depression does not go away. They just teach us to survive.
I have learned skills from my fantastic therapist. But lying about two layers under the skin….there still lay a desperate need for peace from the noise. For the pain of those left behind, I cannot formerly condone suicide, but I get it.
I will keep going because that’s what I do. For my daughter for the man if my dreams who has been with me through thick and then, but come on God! You made me! Can you just explain to me in plain language. Why have I always hated myself. Why do I hate going to funerals, but find solace in the thought of dying.
I am tired.
I am tired.
For the loved ones in my life, you know what I mean. Let me cry, let me sob, let me take off the mask and not be appalled at the things I say.
It is this release that keeps me going for you.
With all that said…..I yearn for the peace that meds, psychotherapy, DBT skills, and vodka have not been able to give.
It will never be at my hands, but I am so tired, so ready.