This morning when I woke up, the air felt cleaner…lighter. It really felt like it was easier to breathe. No more JP Morgan Chase. It is still sinking in.
When I finally got out of bed, I cleaned my room and closet. It was like a symbolic thing.
I felt calm, hopeful, like anything was possible.
Shhhh let’s keep this between you and me. Pessimism has always been my Modus operandi.
Ok today I became a free woman from PTSD Central aka Chase. My last day working there. That place fed my Anxiety Monster like there is no tomorrow. No disrespect intended to our beloved and brave soldiers, but I was literally traumatized working there. So much that I am taking a significant cut in pay.
I am praying that this Change will help my climb to emotional well being.
I won’t be able to see my beloved psychologist for at least six weeks. So this will be a test of my coping skills!
I really messed up the night of the Blood Moon. Catastrophasizing to the NTH degree. So much so that I am ashamed of myself. I cannot go into details. My emotions, thoughts , and fears took on a life of their own. Not the snowball effect like the past – the point of no return….. this was an avalanche. I was on Skype with my best friend so she witnessed the meltdown. Then my daughter called my cell and my boyfriend called on the landline. It was a coincidence that they would all be there at the same time. One did not notify the other. It happened too fast.
This is probably the first time in the history of this blog that I have put a filter on what happened. Just imagine someone whose emotions had run amok, then imagine them thinking the world was about to end. Oh yeah, and it was Passover eve. This person being brought up with the literal interpretation of the Bible is also a cutter. What did the Christians do
on Passover to protect themselves.
That is all I will say and I have no defense for my shame or the anguish I caused.
The words that will change my life were typed on a text from my life long friend last night. Umm if you are new to my blog, you may not know that I hate myself – inside and out
“I WISH YOU COULD SEE WHAT WE SEE IN YOU.”
When I get home from Austin, I will put those words up everywhere:
On my PC
On my tv
I just had a major meltdown about the blood moon between 2:00 and 3:30 am. Not to mention tomorrow is Passover.
It’s not just in my head. U.S. News had an article on it. The problem is that I was raised with the literal translation of the Bible. To me that means the 6th seal will be broken tonight, which leads to the 7th seal of Armageddon. I managed to piss off my daughter, boyfriend, and best friend.
I mentioned SI in reference to the Passover and I think that was it for my boyfriend. I don’t know if he will leave me. He has put up with a lot.
It has been a good day. I began by doing what I do. Then I distracted myself by watching short films on Fearnet.com and working on new poems.
I have other good news that will hopefully contribute to my emotional well being. I can’t share it yet, but as soon as the powers that be are informed I will share.
Did you know flat soda is a terrible substitute for Vodka?
It is 4:45 am. I woke up around 3:22. That always freaks me out if I awake during the three o’clock hour. I LOVE Horror films and I noticed various movies have events occurring between three and four am.
I googled it, and it said something along the lines of that being the time when evil is at it’s strongest.
Anyway, I am watching some film shorts on Fearnet.com and wondering why the hell my seroquel mixed with vodka no longer knocks me the hell out. It’s like 3 hours and I am awake again.
Soooo, the moral of this story is …. If you wake up in the middle if the night and begin to Self Injur as a form of relaxation …watch Fearnet.com
I have decided to quit drinking again. VERY hard decision as drinking gave me a brake from the shit in my head.
Soooo, to celebrate my decision, I am having a party of one and ceremoniously drinking the last of my vodka at 5:03 a.m.