Not my usual stuff. I am not a clown person. I have never been afraid of clowns, but have you seen the new season of American Horror Story?
It is kind of like I have ALWAYS hated zombie crap, but I live for The Walking Dead!! Get it???
I have not intentionally stayed away. I swear! I just don’t know who I am anymore. Who is this stranger staring back at me in the mirror. I had what I consider one of the most trying weekends ever last week. When I got to therapy my fingers, even my legs were trembling. I am unable to go into details. Let’s just say I learned how VITAL structure is to me.
What I thought was a horrible session, my therapist thought was very successful. A breakthrough he called it.
“Breakthroughs” are exhausting. “Breakthroughs” make me want to go back to the mental hospital. Isn’t that fucked up? Breakthroughs are supposed to be good. I don’t know who or what I am. I “own” MY depression, MY panic attacks, MY Self Injury less and less.
I don’t like who lives in my mirror, but it’s different than my prior decades of self hatred. I don’t like this person because I don’t know her. I am NOT a people person. I hate people. And now there is a stranger residing in my mirror. My apartment has always been my sanctuary…. My bat cave. For the last five weeks a stranger has been in my mirror. I don’t like it.
I don’t like getting better on accident.
I haven’t even been able to write poetry. I need my misery. Where are you? Who am I?
I have not posted in awhile. Still alive. I am very apprehensive about getting better. It is almost as if I don’t really want to. I know that is not true. It’s just my comfort zone is misery and fresh scars.
At work gotta go.
Walking Dead Marathon…leading up to new season…can I call in sick the rest of the week? What’s worse is that u have seen every epusides at least 3 times and I still want to call in sick all week.
Sean Bean is a flawed hero in Legends…. I love flawed people
with Issues! My shrink says that is ALL of us. True or just shrink speak to make you feel better?
“Legends is on TNT. A deep undercover “secret ” undercover agent loses himself in his masks/ deep cover ops. Just now watching first episode, but it makes me think of me as a mentally disturbed, deep ops, govt sanctioned agent…. Hmm maybe I missed my calling. The deep ops peeps our govt uses MUST be disturbed. LoL ! Were they disturbed before their training or as a result.
Of a world
Of the Real
Of the world
Killing me softly
Dangling the key
Fearing the day
It will become
By the loudness
No longer dictate
Today I touched
©copyright Cindy Darkheart~DaRk Whispers-A Dark Poetry Blog
I just realized it has been about a month since I stopped hurting myself….physically!!!! Woohoo! It just happened. No concentrated effort. I just feel like I don’t need it anymore.
I have been so fearful of typing these words.
I hope I don’t fall on my ass, but even if I do…. I now know that it can be done.