And so it Begins Again ?

Today marks the first day I cried on my new job. I was put on the spot. My supervisor sat with me and asked why it took an hour and a half to do something that Should have taken half an hour. She sent me 5 more cases and she sat there and watched me do them. She then proceeded to tell me ….that took two minutes…. That took three minutes, so why did it take you so long to do 20 cases. I didn’t have an answer, I have no idea. (Part of it was that I was just trained yesterday Bitch!) As I sat there working those 5 cases with her at my side scrutinizing every step, a tear did roll down my face periodically.
When she left my cubicle I frantically searched for my Xanax. The first time I needed it in a few weeks. It wasn’t in my purse, it was at my bedside. So I rushed to the bathroom and cried.
I went to my daughter’s to dog sit my grandoggie. It took my mind off of things, but as time went on, I became more and more numb. I was supposed to go to bed early tonight. I have an interview tomorrow for a 2nd job. I wanted to be prepared. Now my noise is on a rampage! I will not be at my best at work tomorrow, but I have to pull it together before the interview.
You know, if my mini meltdown was private, I could have handled it better, but when I went to the bathroom to cry, my coworker saw me and tried to console me.
Sigh

Oh Nooo

I feel like I am about to have a panic attack. If I can’t stop it, it will be my 2nd in two months. The first at my new job.
I cannot let this happen!! Trying to remember my coping skills, tearful. Besides the embarrassment I only have one hour sick leave. I have no choice whether it comes or not…whether I cry or not… I have to stay here!

Sleeping Beauty

Sleep is a beautiful thing. I can’t drink or self – injur while sleeping. My mind is not racing with intrusive thoughts of beating myself up. Woulda, coulda, shouldas aren’t yelling.
It has been 9 days since my fear of going outside kept me in. I spent Fourth of July watching this family barbecuing. The mom had her swimsuit on, while the kids ran around and dad was manning the grill. My apartment is on the tree line of the complex. Plenty of trees, grills, and the swimming pool. I could hear children in the pool laughing.
It was good though. I needed the down time and did not at all feel sorry for myself or berate myself.
We do what we have to, when we have to. On the surface it may seem like a bad thing. Only WE know where we have been and how far we have come. I reopened a wound that weekend which I have now allowed to heal.

I am down to one wound. I remember when I had 8 open wounds.

I have managed my new job well and I don’t think they have noticed that something is wrong with me. My therapist says there is something wrong with all of us.

I have only used 4hrs sick leave.

As I type this, my noise is telling me to stay home tomorrow. Something bad will happen if you leave your apartment. I am not going to listen….I am going to sleep. So I will be well rested for work!

Be WeLL

The Invitation

It is inviting
Calling my name
Formal yet informal
A black tie event
Black for the color
I always wear
Ties that bind me
Beckon me to bleed
Fighting the urge to RSVP

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