I eat lunch in my cubicle for the silence and solitude. For whatever reason, today i am surrounded by loud mouths. I will be glad when lunch is over so it can go back to being quiet.
The noise in my head is still practically dormant. Maybe its hibernating. I find it hard to believe it would be gone just like that. The fairy god mother of optimism waved her magic wand and my noise is gone? No. Something is brewing. It has to be. Do you really expect me to belive that after 38 years my intrusive thoughts are gone. That they are not dictating my every move and even preventing me from moving. Dictating when to go and get water at work, when to take out the trash, when to leave my apartment.
It is a strange silence. One I am not used to and one I am afraid of getting used to. Aaaah, there is the Cindy I know and hate (as opposed to know and love). Always afraid. I sit and look around and wonder where my noise is. My enemy, my friend.
The big mouths have shut the f up. Now I am back to just me and my lack of noise. Okay, call me crazy (haha), but I miss it. I have to remember to tell my psychologist about that.
This is my 3rd day in my new position. I have not gotten sick to my stomach at the thought of the next day. I have not had a small drink before work. I have not sat in the parking lot crying….afraid to go in. Mind you we are still in training, but once I get my flow going I will be ready to take off. This feels like it will help my anxiety tremendously.
I spent Thanksgiving with my two favorite people, my daughter and boyfriend. It seems like I have been feeling good for the last two weeks. Its scary as hell! I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. It almost feels as if I am someone else.
I really have not had much time to Self Injur. What I mean is, my shift used to start at noon and now I am waking up at 6a.m.. No time or urge to injur before work and for the last 2 nights I have gone to bed super early. Hey whatever works.
I hope everyone had a decent if not wonderful Thanksgiving
One more day in this wretched department!! I don’t know what awaits me in the new department, but I will thrive. I have to. Today I came in at 7 instead of my usual noon. I wanted to get off early so I can start cleaning and do a bit of cooking. Tomorrow morning I go to pick up my boyfriend. He has just recently returned from India. He had a hip resurfacing done.
I have been feeling fairly well for over a week now. It is a bit strange. There are still times at work when I feel like its difficult to breathe. It is and probably always will be difficult to be around people and to leave my apartment. On a scale of 1 – 10, I would say it is now a 6 when it used to be a 9. That is good. That is more than good. The noise in my head is still a whisper as it has been for the last week or so. I don’t know if its the morning dose of seroquel or what it is – this is something I am trying not to analyze to death. I am just trying to sit back, observe, and dare I say “enjoy” the diminished volume.
So…..ever since the medicine man added 50 mg of seroquel in the morning, the noise in my head has lessened. I have not been crying every morning before I enter the building at work. Still fighting the urge to hyperventilate throughout the day, but getting off to a good start is most beneficial.
I now know my destiny for the next 12-18 months at work. I got a temporary project and training starts 12/2. That has also helped my stress level. However, since it is day shift and I usually work night shift I will lose my shift differential. That means I will make 200.00 less a month, but hey …I have a job. Thats what management loves to say around here. Four more days in this traumatizing department. hallelujah.
Self Injury? Well that has always been there. Still is. The wounds on my stomach are just about healed. At this time I have a huge wound just above my right elbow and a big one just above my left knee. That is progress.
The knock knock title refers to the noise in my head. It was last Saturday that I woke up and realized there was no noise in my head. I literally knocked on my head and said hello?? It came later of course, but it was a whisper. Not the loud booming thoughts that are just sitting there waiting for me to wake up in the morning…to take control..It has been a positive 6 days…..whoa..did I just type that?? (-:
Ok so I just found a parking space at work. I usually spend 5 to 10 minutes watching people walking in and willing myself to go into the building.
Friday I had another evaluation where my errors were again brought to my attention. I think 3 evaluations in a two week period of time is enough. They went over the same errors again. This time they waited until the last half hour if my shift. Perhaps in an attempt to avoid the previous episode.
I didn’t cry or sob or slide into a panic attack this time. I did however, began digging into the wound above my knee during the entire drive home.
So as my doc says I will enter the building with my head up. Pretend that you don’t feel like everyone is watching you.
Oh “Betty Davis Eyes” is on the radio!! I love that song,
Wishing you all strength!!
Other than going to lunch with my daughter Saturday, I spent most of the weekend in bed.
There was no noise in my head, but that’s probably because I gave my demons what they want…..isolation.
The medicine man adjusted my medication last Wednesday. He asked which is giving me the most difficulty at the moment depression or anxiety. The answer was anxiety. So now, I take seroquel at night as well as in the morning. The morning dosage is 50mg in addition to Xanax as needed.
I currently have five open wounds in addition to my cuticles.
Yes, the circle continues. It’s a bit boring, the same steps without getting anywhere. The progress and hope. The fall…
I keep trying as I have for decades.