Caveat

I have not intentionally stayed away. I swear! I just don’t know who I am anymore. Who is this stranger staring back at me in the mirror. I had what I consider one of the most trying weekends ever last week. When I got to therapy my fingers, even my legs were trembling. I am unable to go into details. Let’s just say I learned how VITAL structure is to me.
What I thought was a horrible session, my therapist thought was very successful. A breakthrough he called it.
“Breakthroughs” are exhausting. “Breakthroughs” make me want to go back to the mental hospital. Isn’t that fucked up? Breakthroughs are supposed to be good. I don’t know who or what I am. I “own” MY depression, MY panic attacks, MY Self Injury less and less.
I don’t like who lives in my mirror, but it’s different than my prior decades of self hatred. I don’t like this person because I don’t know her. I am NOT a people person. I hate people. And now there is a stranger residing in my mirror. My apartment has always been my sanctuary…. My bat cave. For the last five weeks a stranger has been in my mirror. I don’t like it.
I don’t like getting better on accident.
I haven’t even been able to write poetry. I need my misery. Where are you? Who am I?

A Little Off the Subject … Kind of

Sean Bean is a flawed hero in Legends…. I love flawed people
with Issues! My shrink says that is ALL of us. True or just shrink speak to make you feel better?
“Legends is on TNT. A deep undercover “secret ” undercover agent loses himself in his masks/ deep cover ops. Just now watching first episode, but it makes me think of me as a mentally disturbed, deep ops, govt sanctioned agent…. Hmm maybe I missed my calling. The deep ops peeps our govt uses MUST be disturbed. LoL ! Were they disturbed before their training or as a result.

Reincarnation

I
Dream
Of a world
Without Noise

Not
That
Of the Real
Hustle bustle

But
That
Of the world
Called Me

Loud
Violent
Killing me softly
My noise

Friend
Enemy
Dangling the key
To freedom?

Haunting
Taunting
Fearing the day
Draws near

The
Day
It will become
A whisper

Taken
Over
By the loudness
Of Hope

Distant
Chants
No longer dictate
My demise

Eyes
Open
Today I touched
The stars

ÇÏℕⅮ¥ ÐÅ℟KℍℇÅℝ✝

©copyright Cindy Darkheart~DaRk Whispers-A Dark Poetry Blog

cindydarkheartsworld.homestead.com

Self Injury

I just realized it has been about a month since I stopped hurting myself….physically!!!! Woohoo! It just happened. No concentrated effort. I just feel like I don’t need it anymore.
I have been so fearful of typing these words.
I hope I don’t fall on my ass, but even if I do…. I now know that it can be done.