Last week I asked my supervisor to ask his boss it I could work 4 10 hour shifts and be off on Wednesdays. Wednesdays are therapy day. Not always weekly, depending on my budget. Even on the occasional week when I can’t afford to go, it will be beneficial to break up my work week. Two days on and a break then another two days and the weekend. I can’t believe the putas agreed. They are either really trying to help or looking for amunition to be able to say, “we worked with her, let her do side by sides, and were flexible with her schedule and she still cannot meet production.
Thats okay. I may have dropped to 98, but I will make it back to 100% I know their games and I will beat them at their own game. They are “helping” us get other jobs in the company when our department moves overseas. What they actually said is they promise us an interview-not that they promise us a job. In the interim they are “helping” some people right out the door. IT WILL NOT BE ME!!
So all day I have dreaded posting anything. It’s because I indicated that I was going to take inventory of the good things that have happened over the past few months. I have always had a difficult time verbalizing good things about myself. I must say this is the first time I have not wanted to “type” good things about myself.
I am sure there are other things, but the only thing that has come to mind all day is when I went to the mall by myself on a Saturday.
This morning when I woke up my fingers and cuticles were raw from last night. I picked at my skin the entire time that I watched this movie called “Inside Their Skin.” They feel better now.
Today was peaceful. I talked to my dad and brother. It was a good day.
Have a good Monday. I am tired.
I feel Good. I slept most of the afternoon. I just got back from shopping. I took a nice, long shower and while washing my hair I remembered something my psychologist said…”You never seem to give the good things as much weight as you give the bad things.” Touché! “If I may suggest, why not broaden your scope. Instead of looking at things by how the day or week went, why not look at the last 3 months for example?” There have been good things if I look at it that way. Hmmm, he is right. That’s why he gets the big bucks eh?
I will take inventory and post them next time.
I don’t know who I am today. I woke up about 20 minutes ago. I zoned out during my morning constitutional. I am trying to focus on the beauty of the morning. The birds singing and playing.
I need to go by and see my dad. I have only seem him once since his Parkinson’s diagnosis. That is because he has had doctor appointments up the yang yang. Between his appointments and church activities it is hard to catch up with him.
My apartment reflects my mood. Stuff scattered across the floor. Yesterday my toe hurt all day from tearing the toenail off the night before. It hurt because of my shoes. I don’t know why, but the pain from each step I took felt like it was supposed to mean something. I don’t know what for sure, but I enjoyed each step. It made me feel like I won. I am just not sure what I won. Did I win control? Did I win because I went to work?
Back to the birds. Today’s goal is to try and ignore the underlying terror I feel and to look for pockets of joy. Like the bouquet I mentioned in a prior post.
Enjoy your day and ~Be Well~
I leave for work in 20 minutes. I just took a Xanax. It’s hard to breathe and I am light headed. It feels like someone is sitting on my chest. I have used all of my sick leave. I can still miss work due to Fmla, but once I have exhausted sick, personal, and vacation my time away is without pay. Isn’t that something? You work at a place for 10 years. You get 3 weeks vacation, but you have to use it all in order to get paid when you are too afraid to go outside.
I spent what feels like an hour tearing off a toenail and peeling the dry skin on my thumb until it bled before I went to bed last night. I started on the thumb an in between my fingers before I even left work. Fuck them! Conos!
Life is full of ups and downs. That is the definition of life. Why do mine have to knock me into oblivion?
I am so tired….
Yesterday was therapy day. I have not felt like myself for the last two weeks. I guess that’s a good thing? I really don’t know. Am I coping better or am I sinking deeper into numbness? My psychologist says there is nothing wrong with numb – in small doses. I think I am stuck.
Something happened at work yesterday. I think they are fucking with me. My production is over 100. They are supposed to leave me alone now!! But nooooo. Now I am back to being afraid to go to work. I mean I am always afraid to go, but now I have a legitimate reason. Does that make sense?
Anyway, you know those gut wrenching commercials that have that shocking in your face approach? Like the grandma who has like a robotic voice due to cancer and says that’s the only voice her grandchild has heard from her. The one with the abused animals. I swear that feels like a 5 minute commercial. Well I saw this quote on the bulletin board at my psychologist’s office.
I argued with myself over whether to put this in the blog, but it struck me enough to write it down so there must be a reason….
“Every year, without any treatment at all, thousands stop suffering from depression. Because it kills them.”